Friday, April 27, 2012

It's THE FIRST ANNUAL BITCHIE AWARDS!

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Can you hear the music in your head? Can you see the red carpet? Can you picture the Food Allergy Luminaries getting out of their limos, walking down the red carpet to receive their little gold statuettes?

Yeah, me neither.

Just because food allergies don't get a lot of respect as a disease though is no reason for us not to award our stand-outs their own award! So...here to present our nominees is...the FOOD ALLERGY BITCH! (Me.)



The NOMINEES in the BIGGEST FOOD ALLERGY CURE SCAM category are...
  • NAET! This amazing cure involves mysterious energy blockages! It's complicated and expensive! Best of all, it has shillers all over the internet recruiting people to the fold!
  • IgG Level Testing! They look like doctors! They feel like doctors! They test like doctors! If you love doctors and want a reason to needlessly limit foods in your/your child's diet, this is your kind of test!

Our BITCHIE AWARD WINNER is...APPLIED KINESIOLOGY!!!!!

When my sister told me this weekend that she had seen a naturopath and that the woman had asked her to hold a container of powdered milk in her hand and thereby diagnosed a milk allergy...the idea for the Bitchies was born.

The concept? Organ dysfunction is tied to muscle weakness. My favorite line from Quackwatch? "A few even perform "surrogate testing" in which the arm strength of a parent is tested to determine problems in a child held by the parent."

If you want to throw your money down the drain, you now have the best way to do it!

Let's move on. The next category is a competitive one.



The NOMINEES in the MEANEST NON-ALLERGIC ADULT category are...
  • The two moms at the Hamilton School (Glen Rock), New Jersey, who punched it out over food allergies

    "According to several parents and one district source, a recent argument between two Hamilton School parents, one dealing with an allergy situation, reportedly became physical, though no details were provided and no serious injuries were indicated."    
     
  • Curious (and compassionate!) Christian blogger

    "The interview with the father [of a child with food allergies] was the tip of the iceberg for me.  Watching him in his car, because he was to fat and lazy to get out of it and stand up, almost in tears because his daughter could not go to sleepovers was my decision point."

Our BITCHIE AWARD WINNERS are...CARIE STARKEY and CHRIS AND LAURA BURR, parents at EDGEWATER ELEMENTARY!!!!!

"I don't think my child should have to rinse her mouth out three times a day. Nine times out of 10, peanut butter is not coming out of her mouth," said Carrie. 


"If I had a daughter who had a problem, I would not ask everyone else to change their lives to fit my life," said Chris, whose wife was part of the protests. 

(There were also rumors that at least one parent in this school threatened to put peanut oil on their children's backpack.)

Teaching your kid compassion by putting a hate sign in their hand and asking them to picket against their classmate...that takes the award!

 We have just one more award for today.




The NOMINEES in the WORST REPRESENTATIVE PUBLIC FIGURE category are...


  • Sarah Palin! Get the food out of schools? Heck, no! 

    "I had to shake it up a little bit because I heard there is a debate going on in Pennsylvania over whether most schools condemn sweets, cakes, cookies, that type of thing," Palin said. "I brought dozens and dozens of cookies to these students." 
  • Joel Stein! You're still a wienie, Joel. (If you didn't read his first article calling food allergy parents nuts, here you go.) I had hoped you had learned a little more compassion after your son was diagnosed with a nut allergy. But no...still gotta differentiate yourself from the rest of us crazies:

    "We're not banning nuts from our house, and we aren't going to send Laszlo to a nut-free school." 

    We'll look forward to seeing how your child does in a preschool filled with nut products and baby slobber.

Our BITCHIE AWARD WINNER IS...MILEY CYRUS!

 "For everyone calling me anorexic I have a gluten and lactose allergy. It's not about weight it's about health. Gluten is crapppp anyway." 

Thatagirl, Miley. Take all those impressionable teens and teach them that they can say they're allergic to any food they consider crappppp...and people will get off your back.

Did you diagnose your "allergies" with NAET? IgG? Maybe you held a baguette in your hand and measured your muscle strength?

Do you have someone who you think deserves a Bitchie? Let me know!


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